


i am always with you

by clautchy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Canon Era, Fluff and Angst, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Moment work, Training Days, bottom!Erwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:23:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1292956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clautchy/pseuds/clautchy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is nothing Mike cares about more than Erwin Smith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i am always with you

**Author's Note:**

> to verify, mike joins the training legion at 16. erwin is 17 and nile is 16.

_**a. impressions**_

Nerves rattled through Mike like prison chains, the metal chafing his throat the very moment he was supposed to answer his instructor. Reinhold Hoch stared down at him, red veins pulsing over the whites of his eyes and wrinkled skin blue and purple in the pooling shadows underneath. Name. Place. Purpose. Three simple answers that Mike choked at, feeling the eyes of every fellow trainee on him; watching and waiting and scrutinising him. Their stares were pulling the chains tighter and every limb became constricted with terror, frozen in the forced salute. He could have looked calm if his own breath hadn’t betrayed him - jagged and shallow for Hoch to know.

For a second, Mike faltered. He was not his mother and as far as he was concerned, chivalry, idiocy and blind fate were not traits he possessed - traits he had heard were essential when pledging your heart to the Survey Corps. He still had time to back out, to run back home to his father and to give up his idealistic dreams. Maybe he was somewhat of an idiot.

“Mike Zacharius!” Mike shouted, his fist tightening on his beating heart, “from the Karanese District! I want to offer my life to the Survey Corps!” His shoulders dropped immediately once the words left his mouth. He hadn’t fucked up. That was all Mike cared about it, his mind forgetting entirely about his fellow trainees who were mentally labelling him as another _suicidal lunatic looking for fame and fortune._

**_Thwack._ **

In all honesty, Mike wasn’t sure why he thought he would be able to avoid the onslaught from the living and breathing force of draconian evil that was Reinhold Hoch. Instantly, Mike’s eyes began to water and he wanted to drop to the ground, curl up in a ball and turn his back on the world. “Listen here you worthless shitstain, you won’t be doing fucking anything unless I think so. You think you can just fucking sign up for a pair of wings? You’re not even a human fucking being. You are a fucking worthless _maggot_ and they don’t fucking _want you._ Turn. Face.”

“Yes, sir!” Mike blurted out, instantaneously clicking his heels together and spinning to face the opposite direction. For a few moments afterwards, he thought of nothing, staring blankly ahead while his body tried to process what he had committed to. While his mind had been focused on words and formality back then, he calmed and could mull over the finer details. Hoch smelled of dirt, sweat and fat drippings from the kitchens. He never liked people who smelled like their diet. 

Taking this into consideration, he returned his mind to reality. Hoch was approaching another trainee, eyes flared with a mission to destroy. Mike stared at the victim and even if he was too far away for Mike to pick up his scent, he was sure Hoch would have a hard time picking this one apart.

He was perfect by definition. Blonde hair combed perfectly to the side without a hair out of place with a face chiselled out of marble. It seemed puberty had graced him with all it could offer, the blonde’s skin devoid of any acne scars - instead, the sun had aided in toning his colour to a light olive. As the blonde saluted Hoch, his stance was composed. Back straight and legs strong, the fist on his chest showing not one sign of doubt or fear. If Mike thought to find the fear in his expression, he was wrong. His features were as Apollonian as the still statues planted in the Karanese town centre. Mike was instantly jealous. He was the type of person you would look at and know his life was perfect. He would join the Military Police, no doubt, and with his good looks and charisma, he was destined for great things: money, whores and gambling. It was a good life and it was one Mike would never be able to indulge in. Certain people were made for different paths.

“Erwin Smith,” the blonde answered Hoch in a voice so honeyed Mike wanted to hurl, “from Stohess. I will give my beating heart to humanity in the Survey Corps.” It was like it had been practiced and there was nothing to fault him for. Hoch would find a way though and instead of being met with a kick to the balls, Hoch pulled his head back in laughter.

“ _You?_ ” he barked, “little Sina Boy wants to go out and fight the big scary Titans? You better fucking prove yourself, fairy, because no one here is going to fucking dress you and make your fucking bed. I’ve got no fucking time for spoiled shitheads like yourself. Turn. Face.”

“Yes, sir!” Erwin turned on his heels, unaffected by Hoch’s speech. 

Mike continued to stare, albeit the back of his head. What Sina boy wanted to join the Survey Corps? 

Mike found his answer in the barracks, meeting his bunk mate for the first time.

“Erwin,” the blonde said, shaking Mike’s hand. His grip was strong and firm. But Mike didn’t so much care for formalities, instead given a puzzle of scent that had never crossed his path before. He stared at Erwin, a little clueless with his mouth agape. Then, without warning, he leaned in and his nose grazed against Erwin’s shoulder. Primrose, bergamot and spices warmed his nostrils, the cologne rich in fragrance. It was nice, but a distraction that was a mask to someone’s true scent. He inhaled deeply, smelled clean fabric and speckles of dry dirt, but beyond that there was _nothing._ Nothing to define or understand, nothing that would give any idea as to who Erwin Smith really was. An enigma, if ever Mike saw one.

Mike pulled away, thinking only know that maybe his actions could be considered a little weird. 

“Mike, right?” Erwin said, a little sheepish. He didn’t seemed fazed by Mike’s actions but he wore a mask that Mike couldn’t see through.

“Yeah,” Mike shrugged. “You wanted to join the Survey Corps too?”

Erwin smiled, “I will.”

“You haven’t even done competency. Wouldn’t get ahead of yourself,” Mike knew he was being harsh but it was the truth. 

“Your mother was in the Survey Corps, wasn’t she?” The change of subject put Mike on edge. He frowned, trying to find… well, the something that made Erwin tick. Whatever it was, it was intriguing. 

Mike would have confirmed Erwin’s question if it weren’t for the interruption from the bunk above them. A head dangled down between them. “Oi, you two are joining the Survey Corps, right?”

“Yes,” Erwin answered for the both of them. He peered at the intruder. “Nile?”

“You’re fuckin’ good at names.” Nile pushed his black hair back, a thick mass in the centre of his head and shaved at both sides. “You’re that Sina kid, aren’t you?”

“If we’re going to go by where we’re born, yes, I’m the Sina kid,” Erwin sighed. “I prefer Erwin, however.”

“Fuck off,” Nile said lightly. “And you?”

“Mike,” he introduced himself, holding back the urge to smell Nile too. That being said, Nile’s scent was strong. He smelled of metal and oil and fire, the rawness of his skin burning the inside of his nose. No doubt he came from some sort of industrial town. 

“Great. I’m fuckin’ hungry. Let’s get some grub before I starve myself,” Nile bounded off his bunk and ungracefully landed on his ass, swearing as he staggered to his feet. Erwin simply smiled, a tug at the corner of the lips that gave away nothing and followed Nile. Considering there was nothing else to do, Mike tagged along.

At the mess hall, when Mike sat down beside Nile he expected Erwin to be right beside him. But as he turned around, he found Erwin holding his tray still on the opposite side of the room, ambushed. 

“Erwin’s got a fuckin’ fanclub, bet it’s because he’s a rich pretty boy,” Nile snorted and the guys on the rest of their table laughed. Soon, Erwin sat down beside him. 

“Aren’t you popular, Sina boy,” Elias sneered. Mike smiled. They could poke at Erwin but all he saw was a bunch of jealous puberty-inflicted idiots. “Are you gonna get with any of them?”

Erwin just smiled his unreadable smile, “No,” he said simply, “I’m here to train.”

Afterwards, when everything had been cleaned and all were dismissed for bed, Erwin and Mike found themselves walking back to the barracks together. 

“Everyone’s calling you Sina boy but you don’t act the bill, do you?” 

Erwin laughed, “I don’t know what they expected.” Erwin glanced to Mike, his expression unfaltering. 

“You’re a weird guy,” Mike told him.

“Says you,” Erwin said. “We’ll fit right in the Survey Corps.”

~

While jeers and snide remarks followed Mike right until competency, no one was laughing when he was strapped into the 3DMG simulator. A dark horse if ever there was one. He pose was perfect, balance impeccable. To say the least, he was relieved. He was taken down after a minute of balancing himself and given the red tick. Mike took his spot in the crowd next to Erwin.

"You're very good," Erwin said kindly.

"Thanks."

"Look over at Elias, the dickhead's hardly staying up," Erwin nudged Mike with his elbow, gesturing towards a simulator on the right. There Elias was, face red with embarrassment as his muscles gave way, trembling under the pressure of the tight straps.

Mike glanced at Erwin, who grinned up at him. It seemed underneath the mask Erwin introduced himself with chipped away for a moment. The scent of rebellion wafted past Mike and he raised an eyebrow, "Looks like he should have been working on his core and not his skinny little arms."

Erwin smirked. "Klara will definitely be at his cock after this, won't she?"

With Erwin's voice so thick with sarcasm, Mike sniggered. 

Then, Hoch called out Erwin's name and the scent that could have been the real Erwin Smith disappeared, the facade returning. Poised as ever, Erwin stood up to one of the simulators and allowed himself to be strapped him. As another trainee began reeling him up, Hoch sneered at Erwin, "Better show me what you're fucking capable of, Sina boy. Your precious mummy and daddy will be very fucking disappointed if you can't even do this basic shit."

There was a glint in Erwin's blue eyes, a something that bored down into your soul and could see right through it. The smile was cold and harsh and fleeting, disappearing as quick as it had come. 

He balanced naturally and effortlessly. He didn't expect any less, truth be told, and Erwin hardly shifted in the straps as he remained suspended in the air. 

The whiff of metal and oil caught his nose and he turned his head in time to see Nile approaching him.

"Did you and Erwin practice before or some shit?" Nile asked. His voice was laced with nervousness even if he was trying to act cool.

Mike shrugged, "You'll do fine. It'll come to you." He glanced back to Erwin who was being unbuckled. As the trainee assisting him - Andrea - fumbled with the belt on his hips, Erwin smiled wide and his hands brushed over hers, making her blush deep red as his fingers softly untightened the buckles. He said something to her (Mike was too far away to hear) and she giggled, looking down at the ground in embarrassment. Then he was walking back to Mike and Nile, expression passive.

"Did you fucking make a move on her?" Nile demanded instantly, stepping up on the tips of his toes to get a better look at Andrea. Nile was a lot shorter than the both of them, a few inches shorter than Erwin and a few more than that from Mike. 

"I was being friendly," Erwin sighed. 

"Whatever," Nile remained on the balls of his feet, hopping on the odd occasion to see over the crowd. "I just want this over and done with. What if I fuck it up?"

Erwin placed his hand on Nile's shoulder. It was somewhat of a scripted move, Mike thought, "Focus on your core and find your balance from there. Your limbs will fine-tune your balance. You want to work with gravity, not against it." He gave Nile's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "And don't think too much."

"Thanks," Nile said dryly but he meant it. 

Mike thought things over, his mind collecting the clues of material that were beginning to shape the person called Erwin Smith. Erwin was an entire ensemble - he acted the part and he knew the lines. He saw a girl and he smiled. He introduced himself to Mike with a solid handshake and he played the good soldier when he needed to. And beyond that, while Mike was trying to fathom Erwin, it seemed Erwin only needed one glance and he had already seen the third act. 

On their lunch break, after a gruelling practice of working out and core exercises, Erwin sat beside Mike once again. Mike glanced to Erwin, the side of his neck exposed. He could easily lean down and try and find another scent. 

"Not here," Erwin hummed, staring ahead.

"Huh?"

"Don't think most people understand your talent."

Mike stared at Erwin. "Who are you?" 

Erwin just smiled and glanced to Mike. "What do you smell?"

"I..." No one had asked him that question before, mostly because he had never really found it necessary for anyone to know about his good sense of smell. But Erwin knew, and he shouldn't have been surprised. "Nothing, really. That's why I was..." Mike searched for words, trying his best not to sound too weird. "Everyone smells of something. Obviously. And you have a normal human _scent,_ like anyone else would, but there are certain scents that define someone's personality. Ones that aren't necessarily made from our surroundings, but smells of..." he trailed off, Erwin's grin distracting him. "Um."

"You're amazing."

The sincerity of the statement had Mike's cheeks up in flames. He was thankful for his bangs that hid half of his face - God forbid how stupid he must have looked. He blamed Erwin entirely; the sentence caught him off guard.

"Your talent will be invaluable to the Survey Corps, I'm sure," Erwin added on thoughtfully. "Imagine the scent of a Titan. Surely you would be able to smell it before you could see it?"

Mike rubbed the back of his neck, pushing his thick hair up off his sweaty skin. He knew he would have to cut some of his hair off. Erwin's undercut was a lot more practical in the military than his mop of hair. He had opted with tying it at the back in the mean time. "I suppose. I hadn't thought of that."

The flare in Erwin returned. This time, it lasted a little while longer. The sweet stench of rebellion and undertones of leadership - with something else that Mike couldn't quite put his nose on. 

Friendship was not alien to Mike yet no one had clicked with him - not like with Erwin. He was someone you could trust and more importantly to Mike, someone that appreciated him. Erwin valued Mike as a human being like no one had done so before.

 _ **b. erwin the delinquent**_

Wherever Erwin went, so did Mike. Affectionately, Nile had described Mike as Erwin's dog, finding it fitting, especially with the whole scent thing, but Nile's light-hearted jokes had reached the rest of the trainees as all talk would eventually do. It wasn't ever an attack but more of a joke so fitting that everyone had to try it out at some point. That being said, neither Erwin nor Mike could give two shits. 

On the opposite side of the spectrum, if you asked Mike what a dickhead smelled like, Mike would tell you plainly a dickhead smelled of fish, pubescent testosterone and dead skin cells. That was Elias Oelberg, a rather insignificant fly who on the occasion had the audacity to remind everyone else of his dickheadedness.

It started with a girl, as it always did. Klara Siegel had been forced to tolerate Elias' affections ever since they started training. While relationships and love had been pushed aside for a while, as training became more intense over the course of the year, Elias would pop up now and then to make a scene. 

He started as he always did, an awkward flirt who sounded more creepy than anything. Mike noticed immediately and frowned. Klara's patience had to end somewhere. 

"When will he realise girls aren't going to date a guy with that fuckin' excuse of facial hair?" Nile growled between chewing mutton. Ironically, Nile had been trying to grow a beard for some time now and had only managed the lightest goatee. 

Mike shrugged, "When she chooses a different division after we graduate."

Nile swallowed and took a deep gulp of his ale, "What did you say he smelled of again? I gotta think of more witty liners to slam at him tonight."

"Think of something to do with fish. He comes from a fishing village along the Rhine."

Nile cackled, " _Fish._ He fucks like a dead fish. That's what."

Meanwhile, beside him, Erwin had remained impassive to their conversation. Most of the time, Erwin couldn't care for useless gossip and squabbling among recruits. This time though, Erwin shifted and looked behind him, craning his neck to see Elias' dismal progress on wooing Klara. Mike leaned in and quickly took a whiff of Erwin's exposed neck. 

Nile groaned, "What are my two friends with their stupid sixth senses thinking?"

"Nothing," Erwin answered, voice honey enough to put Nile at rest. Mike, meanwhile, knew that Erwin was thinking of _something_ and it related very specifically to Elias. He glanced to the blonde, trying to work out what he was thinking. Erwin returned the gaze even if it was only for a second. 

Then, it all began to unravel. All heads turned as Klara screamed, " _Fuck off!_ " and Elias was a mess of butthurt and anger. 

"I'm only trying to be _nice,_ " he spat, and then he shoved her. She almost fell over if it weren't for a table behind her. 

Silence fell around them for a second. The screeching of wood dragging along the floor disrupted it. Erwin was walking towards Elias, eyes fixed. Mike stood up too, on instinct. 

"This is none of your business, Sina boy," Elias spat.

"And Klara isn't yours," Erwin replied coolly. "Klara is a soldier, and she has no obligation to you. What you did was wrong."

Elias growled, "I didn't do shit." Elias' fists had turned white. 

"Are you going to apologise?" Erwin asked. 

"Are you going to piss off?" 

"Wrong answer," Erwin said. Erwin tackled Elias to the floor, pulling his arms back in a death grip. Elias screamed and shouted, writhing underneath Erwin's strong hold. 

"Get off me!" Elias jerked his head back into Erwin. He kicked his legs up, managing to land a blow on Erwin's back. Erwin growled, picking up Elias and throwing him back down on the floor so he lay on his back. His tailbone made a loud _thud_ as it hit the wood and Mike winced before realising what was going on. He ran towards Erwin, pulling him off Elias. 

Even if Erwin was good, Mike was better at combat. He pushed Erwin back and started ushering him out the mess hall despite Elias' taunts. Erwin puffed up, muscles tensing with anger. "You're a piece of shit."

"Fuck you, Erwin!" Elias screamed, "Just leave with your fucking _dog!_ "

Erwin escaped Mike at that, returning back to Elias. Mike swore. He picked Elias up by the collar and held his fist back, "Mike's ten times the soldier you'll ever be."

"Mike's a fucking _freak_ just like you!" Elias spat. It didn't do him any good. Erwin almost knocked him out, hitting him square in the jaw. Elias yowled in pain and Erwin dropped him, shaking his grazed fist with a hiss. Then Mike grabbed his wrists and dragged him away again, quicker this time before anything else could happen. Who knows what would happen if the instructor saw what happened... Hoch would have them forced outside Wall Maria for an hour without gear, and that would be a _light_ punishment.

As soon as they were outside, Erwin jerked away from Mike. He glared. "People like that shouldn't be allowed here."

"That's all great that you have idealistic views, but you're going to have to deal with it," Mike grumbled. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking Elias shouldn't treat his comrades disrespectfully." Erwin stalked towards the cabin and Mike caught up beside him. He grabbed at his hand - the one Erwin punched Elias with - and inspected the grazing. 

"We'll have to bandage that up."

"I know."

"Does it hurt?"

"Of course it hurts," Erwin snapped. "What was I going to do, Mike? Someone had to stop him. Talking isn't going to change him, that's for sure."

"And violence will?"

"Yes," Erwin's gaze was dark. "Sometimes it is the answer. Because he won't be bothering Klara again."

Mike was silent. It wasn't that he was pissed off with Erwin. What he had done was admirably the _right_ thing and for that, Erwin had Mike's respect. 

Inside their room, Erwin sat on their bed patiently while Mike fetched for the first aid kit. He kneeled in front of Erwin, rubbing a sterile lotion over the skin before wrapping a tight bandage around his knuckles. 

"Thank you," Erwin said softly. 

Hesitantly, Mike said, "I'm always here for you."

Erwin hummed, gazing down at Mike with his baby blues. Mike suddenly felt very self-conscious; on his knees between Erwin's legs. "I didn't like it when Elias called you a dog." It was sincere, the statement, gingerly spoken and from the Erwin underneath.

"I don't really care," Mike assured him, his legs heavy. He thought his feet had been bolted down to the floor.

"Our comrades should learn respect."

Then, Erwin's hand - his good hand - was cupping his forehead, pushing his thick bangs back. Mike stilled, his heart beginning to thump so loudly that he feared Erwin could hear it. This was all too intimate; the room was too large and spacious and empty and silent, and he was being overwhelmed with smells erupting from Erwin. He wanted to lean in, to find the new scents. He wanted to understand Erwin and know what he felt.

"You can if you want," Erwin murmured, seemingly knowing what Mike was thinking. 

Mike leaned in, pressing his nose against Erwin's outstretched arm. He felt Erwin's thumb stroke his exposed forehead. He went further, leading his nose to Erwin's belly. He inhaled and the fragrance warmed his insides, a loving scent of sincerity and admiration. Then he reached upwards and it didn't take a scent to find the raw and vulnerable boy within. His heart was beating too.

_**c. lavender and freshly mowed grass**_

Raindrops pelted down, thick and savage and humid. For hours now it had been pouring, the thunderous cracks booming across the sky followed by a streak of lightning. Each time the world shook from thunder, Mike felt like the eye of the storm was nearing. He winced and closed his eyes every time, terrified that when he opened them again the lightning would be above them. 

For now, they had been lucky. Less so, their supplies were ruined. Mike managed to sniff out a dry place, a small alcove in a cliff face that was just deep enough to shelter them all from the rain. As their group made their way to the promising cave, Klara had slipped on a muddy tree root and twisted her ankle. She didn't cry, instead staring blankly like she had simply given up the will to move. Erwin had comforted her, taking her heavy pack off her and helped her back to her feet after whispering gentle words of encouragement. He had a way with words, of making people push forward no matter how dire the situation was. Even holding two packs, Erwin kept Klara by his side and held her by the waist, helping her walk despite the limp with patience.

By the time they made it to the cave, they were shivering, cold and miserable. They stripped off their cloaks, heavy from the water and dissembled their packs. Then Erwin took control. "Mike, can you tend to Klara's wounds? I have the first aid kit in my pack. I'm going to search for flint. We can use those dry leaves to help start a fire," he gestured to the very smell that Mike had brought them here; a collection of dead leaves that had been blown in from the gale force winds before the storm had hit. 

"What about me?" Nile asked through a sleepy yawn.

"Go through our packs. Throw out what's useless to us. I'll make sure I'm back within the hour."

On instinct, Mike had wanted to stand up and follow Erwin. But he would trust his judgment and follow his orders. It was more logical. There was no use two of them leaving. "Be safe," he muttered, ears turning pink.

"Would you be able to sniff me out if I got lost?"

Mike shook his head, "Your trail would be washed away."

Erwin shrugged, then left without another word. Defeated, Mike grabbed Erwin's pack and rummaged for the first aid kit. He pulled out a thick bandage and shifted to Klara. She sniffed, her hands making fists on her belly.

"It hurts," she mumbled, allowing Mike to pull her boot off.

"Let's just hope it's not too serious," he replied, carefully loosening the straps around her left leg. He rolled her pants up to her knee, making sure not to touch her ankle. Inspecting the site, it had already started to swell. He took the bandage and made loops around her foot then slowly wrapped the bandage up her leg. She winced as he tightened the bandage around her ankle but said nothing, and he continued until the bandage reached just under her kneecap. With a butterfly clip he kept the bandage in place. "For now, just try to rest. When we make it back to camp, ask the nurse for an icepack."

She nodded miserably. "I hate this. Why would Hoch send us out in this weather?"

"I guess we're being taught what reality is like," Mike told her, wishing his voice was as soothing as Erwin's. Erwin would know exactly what to say. He would tell her about the integrity of the military and the importance of survival, that no matter the situation a soldier continued on. He would tell her everything that was happening was important and had purpose and because of that, she had to keep trying and fighting no matter what.

Mike could say none of these things. He wasn't eloquent or poetic and his passion for joining the Survey Corps remained a jumbled pile of unarticulated thoughts within his head. Instead, he smiled weakly at Klara and focused his gaze on Nile instead. 

"Do you need help?" Mike asked, wishing Nile would simply discard the soggy rations instead of mulling over it. The stench of mouldy yeast was as bad as being in a whorehouse. 

Nile glared, "Well if we throw out the food, then we're gonna starve before we make it back to camp."

"We can't eat that anyway," Mike pointed out. "The storm has to pass soon enough, anyway."

With a reluctant whine, Nile fished out everyone's rations into a pile before dumping it all outside. The trash rolled down the hill into a pool of storm water below, disappearing into the sludge. Mike thought Nile was going to cry. 

As Nile continued his task, Mike collected the dead pile of leaves and started making a base for a small fire. He braved the outside, if only for a short while, to pull thick bark off a neighbouring tree and a couple of sticks, then using the thicker branches to create a small border. If it hadn't been raining, then their matches would have done the trick but like most things Nile had collected in the pile of trash, soggy matches had joined too. 

Half an hour passed and little had happened. Nile had their packs sorted and laid them out open to air, curling up on the cold rock to force sleep. Klara hadn't moved at all, her back resting against the wall of the cave and her head hanging. It was strangely quiet, if not for the shower of water spanning across the earth, hitting mud and rock and nature. The thunder would echo around them, the wrath of the Gods bouncing around the walls that protected them and every time lightning came the cave would illuminate, casting white light on their grim faces. Despite the initial fear, Mike started to become desensitized to the sounds. It was the smells that still bothered him. Most people would associate the rain with a washing away of smells - a kind of renewal - but Mike was suffocating in the cacophony of scents. The foul stench of mud mixed with moss and shit and rotting wood, burning his nose so fiercely it made him dizzy. And it was _hot,_ sweltering and uncomfortably humid so that Mike felt trapped in the heavy air, pushing down his shoulders and wafting into his nose. It was so thick, how it filled the atmosphere that there was no way to escape it. 

Mike stared at the entrance, searching for movement. He could distract himself from the smells and instead look for Erwin's return. But with every fleeting shadow and slight movement time dragged on, Mike stressing and agonising about Erwin's whereabouts. What if something had gone wrong? What if he had been struck by lightning, or trapped underneath a falling tree, or sprained his ankle or broken a bone? He brooded on his thoughts, expression hardening and body freezing as he feared for Erwin's safety. He should have gone with him. It was stupid to send anyone out on their own in weather like this. 

Then all his thoughts dissipated, a familiar uniform appearing in the haze. _Erwin._ Mike squinted, noticing he had some dark object dangling from one hand. He was drenched, too, his hair plastered across his face and uniform sticking to his skin. As he clambered up into the cave, Mike instantly held out his hand and helped pull Erwin up. Erwin dropped the object from his hand. It was a rabbit, its throat cut and already bled out. 

"I found flint, too," Erwin said, pulling out his knife and flint from his jacket pocket. "I figured we didn't have anything else to sustain us."

" _Food?_ " Nile whispered weakly from behind. Erwin peered over Mike, a smirk creeping up on his face.

"I know, what a luxury," Erwin said. He looked to Klara, who hadn't said a thing. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged, "Okay."

"You're being very brave," Erwin said sincerely. "I'm very proud of you."

Erwin's praise had an effect on her. She glanced up and smiled weakly through half-lidded eyes. She was pallid but as it were, Erwin was always good with words. Klara adhered to them, too, feeling safe when Erwin told her she was being brave because he meant it. Ever since Erwin had attacked Elias, Klara and everyone else warmed up to Erwin, looking past the snobby Sina boy they thought he was and finding someone who deeply cared about life and whose morals were so noble it was hard to ever disagree with him. Elias hadn't bothered Klara since then, either.

It didn't take long for the sparks to create a fire. They all huddled around the small flares, desperate for warmth. Soon, the flames had began drying their uniforms and Mike's bones suddenly didn't seem as cold as before. As they heated up, Erwin skinned the rabbit with his knife and threw the dead rabbit on the fire. 

They ate in silence, using their fingers and their teeth to pull away at their meat from the small bones. It was a little tough and bland as shit, but it was food. No one complained. Klara forced herself to eat even if she had to take the tiniest of methodical bites and Nile hungrily wolfed down his portion. 

Night began to fall and the rain was relentless. Klara had fallen asleep and Nile had nodded off. Soon, they wouldn't have enough leaves to keep their fire going. 

"We should sleep close together," Erwin muttered. 

Mike frowned at him, "Um?"

"For body warmth," Erwin said. "The fire will go out in our sleep."

Mike nodded and stiffly shifted towards Erwin. It wasn't like it was a strange concept - they slept in the same bunk, and Mike could tell you exactly the kind of sleeper Erwin was - but this was different. As they lay down Erwin pulled Mike close and pressed his body against his, resting his head on Mike's outstretched arm. Mike could feel his gentle breathing on his cheeks, a slow, rhythmic flow of warm but comforting air dancing across his skin. Then, he did it again, just as he did months before. Mike felt Erwin's hand ghost across his face until he felt the warm pads of Erwin's fingertips on his temples, pushing back his hair. Mike opened his eyes and was greeted by Erwin's bright blues.

Mike didn't want to talk; didn't want Nile or Klara overhearing anything. This was personal - only Mike could have Erwin like this, completely exposed and brimming with adoration. He thought that the rain was suffocating, but sometimes it wasn't about the renewal of the earth. The rain washed away other things too, like faces, and Erwin had never looked more alive in that moment. It was like he had seen him for the first time. He smelled of trust and comfort, a warm smell of lemongrass, lavender and freshly mown grass. Mike couldn't tell you why he did but it didn't matter.

He didn't mind when Erwin's leg had snaked between Mike's or that he clutched onto the front of Mike's shirt like a child afraid of letting go of their mother. It all was beginning to make sense. Erwin's eyelids drooped and he let Mike's hair drop back down. 

"Goodnight," Erwin whispered, audible for only Mike to hear it.

Mike pressed his forehead to Erwin's, his stomach swelling with warmth. He must have smelled of trust too. No matter what would happen, Mike always wanted to be by Erwin's side. He wanted to be with him when they went beyond the walls; he wanted to fight alongside him and he wanted to protect Erwin. 

They fell asleep to the sound of rain, the familiar booming of thunder and the scent of trust between them. 

_**d. the three ladies**_

Nile was absolutely in love with Mary and everyone thought it was the next best thing since sliced bread. Everyone thought that because Nile was so hopelessly infatuated and so ridiculously head over heels for Mary he didn’t even realise how stupid he was being. Nile would stutter and blush most of the time Mary was near. He would choke on his drink and bump into tables. But as Nile was blinded with his own stupidity, Mary liked him too (and every trainee that came to The Three Ladies knew this) and for her own amusement, humoured Nile with subtle flirtations from gentle touches to witty one-liners. One day, Nile would get it but for the mean time, it was how it was.

It was a Friday night. Friday nights were always packed at The Three Ladies because all the trainees got time off and a late curfew. Mike and Erwin had incidentally become The Three Ladies' most loyal patrons, however, for Nile's sake, accompanying him to the pub every Friday night and sometimes the night after that too if they could spare the time. Nile refused to ever go on his own - _that would look suspicious she would think I'm desperate oh my God Erwin you are so stupid for a smart person_ \- and thus Mike became a reluctant alcoholic. Erwin was a lot better at self-control, always limiting himself to two pale ales or the lightest beer humankind could find then opting for water later on. Nile, despite wanting to present his best self to Mary most of the time, still ended up being dragged back to the barracks piss drunk and yelling out incoherent jibberish.

This Friday night was a little more special. Special, actually meaning Mary's father, Seikhardt's fiftieth birthday, meaning triple happy hour and shots on the house. By nine o'clock Nile was already trying to start a fight. Thankfully, Mary had soothed him back down to their table.

"I'm gonna need the boys to tie you down if you keep this up," Mary joked, pushing Nile's shoulders down so he remained seated in the chair. His cheeks were flushed, eyes diluted and elsewhere from the alcohol.

"You could not serve him drinks when he's already drunk," Erwin suggested, taking a small sip from his pale ale. Mike hummed, buzzed enough that everything smelt warm and fluttery.

"Naw, takes the fun out of it, don't it?" she sat down in an empty chair and chucked her apron on their table. "And speakin' of fun, it's my papa's birthday and I don't see you drinkin' enough."

Erwin grinned, "I'm sure it's against procedure to influence one to get drunk, Mary."

"Special occasion, Erwin. Mike, think we should get our favourite blondie drunk?"

Mike looked to her lazily, "A shot of the green fairy is what I'm feeling."

"No, I don't-"

"Oi, papa! Where's the green fairy?" Mary called out to her father, a huge beast of a man with a thick grizzly beard. He was a gentle giant, though, and to his daughter's delight grabbed for a green liqueur and some shot glasses and slammed it on their table.

"Hope you boys are havin' fun," he slurred, ruffling Nile and Mike's hair. Nile groaned, his head hitting the edge of the table and Mike batted Seikhardt's thick paw away.

"Don't be teasin', papa," Mary giggled, pushing him away gently. He staggered off back to the bar and Mary poured out the alcohol, serving four shots. 

Erwin sniffed his shot, grimacing at the foul stench. Mike wasn't sure why Erwin had never gotten drunk before - well, maybe he had before he joined the trainees, and that was why he didn't - but Mike was curious to see the effects on Erwin. 

"Bottoms up," Mary grinned and they all downed their shots, Nile included even if he was close to passing out. Mary and Mike finished their shots first, hitting the rim of the empty glass on the table. The effect was immediate, the 78% making his head spin. Erwin spluttered after gulping down his, coughing as the absinthe burned his throat.

"Fuck," Erwin wheezed.

" _Fuck,_ " Nile replied with a burp. Mary laughed at him, giggling in fits.

The next few minutes were a blur, the alcohol infecting his system like venom, pulsing and writhing underneath his skin. He was on fire, skin electric and everything was so vibrant and real - he saw colours he didn't see before and the aroma of the pub hit him like a bag of bricks. He was burning and living and the air buzzed around him, sparks bouncing off him and everyone else. 

He must have moved, because he found himself standing when he knew he used to be sitting. Standing was a _bad_ idea. It made everything a lot louder and a lot more overwhelming. He stared into space, trying to force his brain into slowing down. His body swayed; in no time at all he expected to see the green fairy herself, the bright bitch inviting him to stay in her world for longer. 

More blurs. Mary was in his view for a while - was she trying to talk to him? He saw a lot of familiar faces but they were out of his reach, their voices a muffled hum in the back of his head. He tried to think - shit, it was fucking _hard_ \- and allowed the absinthe to tell him what he wanted.

He wanted sex.

Ever since joining the military he hadn't hooked up with anyone, not even once. It wouldn't have bothered him, but this was different. Here, the innermost cravings and desires were laid flat on a table like a show and tell. With the blatant honesty of his feelings, it was becoming increasingly clear who he wanted to fuck.

He wanted to fuck the living daylights out of Erwin Smith.

Staggering, Mike managed to find the familiar blonde. He doesn't know how he even did it, grabbing at Erwin's wrists and dragging him outside. Erwin stumbled behind Mike, just as stupidly drunk as he was. Then they're outside, Mike leading Erwin to the side of the tavern where the streetlights couldn't reach and they were enveloped in shadows. 

"Mike," Erwin breathed, his voice jagged and uncontained. Strands of hair fell across his face, his sharp cheekbones flushed a crimson red. He grinned at Mike, leaning back on the tavern wall. Mike pushed against him, narrowing the space between them. Erwin's skin was on fire, warm hands burning his cheeks as Erwin cupped his face. "Fucking hell, Mike," he groaned, jerking his hips as Mike pushed his knee upwards between Erwin's legs. He liked the bite in his words, how he swore so carelessly; Erwin unraveled so nicely, unafraid and uncaring of how he sounded or what he did.

Mike made circles with his knee, his nose grazing against Erwin's. He felt his hot, sweet breath and at the scent Mike leaned in, pressing his lips on Erwin's. Erwin made a low sound at the back of his throat, swiping his tongue over Mike's and at the smallest part in Mike's lips, pushed his tongue into Mike's mouth. Mike was compliant, tasting the green fairy from Erwin's tongue and wanting more and more. They parted, if only for a second to catch their breath, and Mike lowered his leg, instead sliding his hand between their bodies until his palm found Erwin's hard cock. He rubbed it through his pants and Erwin's breath hitched, bringing Mike's head back down into a rough kiss. He rolled his hips into Mike's palm and with an audacious move, hitched a leg around Mike's waist and forced him closer. 

They were so close Mike could hardly move his hand. It didn't matter. Erwin was so eager and Mike brought his arms around Erwin's waist while Erwin jerked his crotch against Mike's. 

"Oh, shit, _fuck,_ " Mike gasped in between vicious kisses and tongue-sucking. There was way too much friction on his dick, the fabric between them too constraining and the heat too much. He tried unbuckling his trouser belt: drunken Mike was saying it was the most logical thing to do. However, Erwin grabbed at his hands, stopping him from doing so. He looked at Erwin quizzically, "Fuck me," he simply said.

Erwin kissed his lips again, still rolling his hips into Mike's. "How long have you wanted to fuck me, Mike?" he whispered, voice so low the vibrations of his honey baritone made him shiver. Mike kissed his jaw, circling the skin with his tongue.

"So fucking long. Shit, your fucking _voice._ The things you fucking _do-_ " he trailed kisses to Erwin's neck, sucking and nipping across the sensitive skin. 

Erwin melted into him, "Fucking _shit._ " He almost yelled through his moans, making Mike conscious of their surroundings. It didn't last long, the heat soon bringing Mike back down in his lustful fever. He bit at Erwin's collarbone, pressing the tip of his tongue into the hollow above the bone. "Do you want to fuck me right now?" he managed to stutter, his fingernails digging into Mike's shoulder blades.

" _Yes,_ " it was more of a plea and he reached for his belt again, but Erwin stopped him again. He glared, angry and confused and too drunk to make sense of the situation.

Erwin stared at him longingly, blue eyes full of half-lidded lust. "We can't fuck here," he said, his voice betraying his words. Erwin wanted it too but God he was always smarter than him, always saw the logic and the reason and the consequences. Mike whined, his drunken state not helping him understand why Erwin was denying him. 

"But I _need_ you," Mike protested, afraid his dick would explode if it wasn't given any more attention. He rocked his cock against Erwin's, wanting Erwin to feel how hard he was. 

"I need you too," Erwin murmured. "But not here. We can't do this here." To Mike's relief, Erwin's hand had slipped between them and two fingers had hooked inside of Mike's pants. More fingers found their way into his pants and fingertips were ghosting the base of his cock. 

He shuddered into Erwin, grateful for Erwin's strong thrusts down his shaft. He helped loosen the front of the pants and Erwin adjusted accordingly, swiping his thumb over his head. He had been dripping with pre-come for a while now and Erwin put it to good use, lubricating his cock with slow jerks. " _F-fuck,_ " Mike stuttered, rolling his hips into Erwin's loose fist. Their foreheads pressed together, Mike's mouth open and grazing against Erwin's lips as pleasurable whimpers emitted from the back of his throat.

It all ended too quickly. A slamming door. A shout. Footsteps. Erwin was gone and Mike was alone in the dark. He hit his head against the wall of the wooden tavern and swore filthily before buckling up his trousers. He wanted it, wanted Erwin, wanted the orgasm, he wanted, wanted, wanted...

His stomach lurched, a bubbling pool of acid climbing its way up his throat. Legs giving way, Mike dropped onto his hands and feet and thick liquid burned his throat as he coughed it up. There went the magic of the green fairy, instead replaced with the foul stench of vomit and the disgusting feeling of being human; vulnerable and weak and sick. 

Mike wasn't sure how he made it back to the barracks. He doesn't even remember walking back. Maybe someone helped. But when he slipped into the comfort of his mattress, still clothed with a bitter taste in his mouth, the mattress beside him was empty.

~

Nothing happened. 

The morning after was a slow trudge to the showers and reluctantly breaking his fast. His heart hurt. The morning sun pained his eyes. He wanted to vomit. Mike managed to clean himself up enough even if it was a struggle and finally made it to the mess hall. He wasn't the only one suffering with a hangover; you could tell who drank too much by how dead their eyes were. The atmosphere smelled of regret, anger and the existential question of _why did I drink so much holy shit._ Mike was contributing to the depressed aurora, making a mental note to himself that he would never drink again even if he knew it was a big lie alcoholics told themselves to make them feel better until the next time.

He scooped up food into his tray and routine to every other morning, sat down at his table beside Erwin. Nile was in front of them, his tray pushed away and his head buried into his arms on the table. 

"Morning," Mike said. Maybe he was trying to pull a few strings here and there. 

Nile groaned in reply. He didn't move. 

"Good morning, Mike," Erwin was levelheaded and composed as ever. "Nile is under the impression he has ruined his chances with Mary. I disagree." 

Mike glowered, jealous that Erwin wasn't showing signs of suffering like he was. "Does Nile even remember anything from last night?"

"No," Erwin hummed and returned to his breakfast, chewing slowly on his toast. 

He expected something to happen. He wanted Erwin to acknowledge it. To say that yes, they had done something intimate. Instead, life went on, and the events that happened last night were a passing dream, long forgotten in a blurry lapse. Maybe Mike had imagined the whole thing - it was possible; absinthe had a way of fucking with his head - and there was nothing to talk about. 

The rest of the Saturday was struggle, Mike and countless other trainees fighting their hangovers while trying to focus on Hoch's gruelling exercises. Mike thought he would even get the full Hoch treatment when he failed to climb a tree with the assistance of the 3DMG. Of course Hoch pulled him out; he was easily the best at using 3DMG and failing such a simple task meant something had to be wrong. Hoch screamed and shouted, and Mike imagined puffs of smoke coming from his nose like a dragon through his bleary eyes and spinning head.

He managed to avoid any truly cruel punishments (Nile had once been forced to drink lamp oil then run laps around camp for five hours straight until he vomited; one of Hoch's more creative penalties). 

Life went on.

_**e. i think i love you**_

A month later, deep in the forest, Mike found himself out of gas. It was a stupid mistake, really. It didn't matter, because he had already done the cuts. There were still trainees who struggled to hit the blades deep enough into the tough cushion they used as substitute for the real thing. These things they cut didn't even more, either. He wondered how they would fair if they joined the Survey Corps.

He couldn't talk. He was stupid enough to run out of gas. He should have stopped a while ago. He was always good at this exercise and could get more cuts than anyone else. But for now, he had to accept his stupidity and find his way back to base. He trudged along the ground, stepping over thick tree roots carefully. 

Mike walked for an hour until he heard the sound of 3DMG. He looked up and saw Erwin flying down towards him. Erwin landed gracefully on two feet, not even needing to step to regain his balance. 

"Lost?" Erwin grinned.

Mike tapped his gas canisters and the hollow ding answered his question. "Out of gas."

"Figured. You're not too far away from camp."

"I know. I've got the scent."

Erwin shrugged. "Let's walk."

They walked beside each other in silence. It was comforting, the simple fact that Mike had someone with him enough to satisfy him. And like himself, Erwin didn't expect a conversation.

Of course, things were different. It shouldn't have been, but there it was, a void of an unspoken question lingering in the space between them. It had never been addressed and for the months that passed it should have been forgotten. _Should have_ been, but kept on nagging at the back of his mind. It was a scab, almost healed, but he was so tempted just to rip it off instead of leaving it alone. 

Before his brain could tell him that he could potentially fuck everything up, he reached his arm out and took Erwin's hand in his. Their fingers entwined. 

"Mike," Erwin said, his voice soft. Warning. Bad. 

He fucked up. This was bad; this was very _very_ bad. He pulled his hand away, his thoughts a whirlwind of shit. He couldn't think. What was he supposed to say? _No homo man, even if you jerked me off that one time._

They stopped walking, Mike's eyes wide and averting his gaze. He didn't want to know what Erwin was thinking. 

Words didn't need to be spoken. Erwin stepped closer, and then his lips were on his. It was soft and comforting, the gentle suck on his lower lip warming his insides and pooling in his stomach. When Erwin pulled back, he looked up to Mike and brushed his hair out of his eyes. "I can't be distracted, Mike."

"You're not even in the Survey Corps yet," he protested instantly. 

"It doesn't matter. My heart's on the mission. Nothing else."

His words were cold and cut into him like ice, broken shards piercing the warmth that had flooded him mere moments ago. " _Nothing?_ What's the point of all your propagandistic bullshit about saving humanity when you don't even let yourself be human for once?" It fell out of his mouth before he could stop it. There was no going back. The frustration of chipping away at the mask was in full view and there was no point in holding it back anymore. 

"I am human. I _have_ feelings, Mike. And I've had feelings for _you_ since we first met. Don't make this harder for me."

"And I have feelings too!" Mike blurted out, "What about me? Am I supposed to sit back and let you go?"

"No, Mike, it's not-"

"You don't have to do this alone."

Fragile was not a word Mike would call Erwin, but then, it was the only good one. His eyes were wide and searching; he was a child who had been lost for a very long time and maybe for the first time, Erwin saw that he didn't have to be lost anymore. People were there to be trusted. Mike wanted Erwin's trust, more than he wanted anything else.

"Okay," Erwin whispered. 

Mike wrapped his arms around Erwin, his chin resting on the top of Erwin's blonde head. He felt Erwin bury himself into his chest, clutching onto him like he never wanted to let go.

When Erwin pulled away, he said, "There's still two hours left of training before everyone goes on break."

Two hours was a very long time.

So it was the perfect time for Mike to find himself on top of Erwin in the barracks. 

"Still clothed?" Erwin quipped, grinning up at Mike. "I'm a little disappointed, honestly."

"You want to see my hunky body?" Mike said, going for terribly cheesy and embarrassing bed talk. 

It worked and Erwin groaned, hiding his face in his hands. " _Stop,_ " he wailed, peeking through his fingers to see Mike pulling off his shirt. Mike decided to torture him a little more, winking and licking his lips seductively as he threw his shirt to the ground.

"Like what you see, baby?"

Erwin wailed, "You're so _embarrassing._ I can't believe you're doing this to me."

He grinded his crotch against Erwin's, "Have some fun, Sina boy."

"I don't need you calling me that as well."

"How's blondie?"

"Erwin?"

"Nah," Mike laughed and leaned down, kissing Erwin's neck. It was so _so nice,_ to finally have _this._ Whatever _this_ was. Finally, it was them. Just them. No masks and no parts to act and no rules to follow. Mike was smitten. He loved how Erwin smiled and laughed and blushed in embarrassment. He liked that he could make stupid jokes and touch Erwin and all these things because it was natural, it was _normal,_ and it was okay. 

They managed to finally both undress. It was accompanied by more cringe-worthy jokes on Mike's part and a lot of shifting positions and awkward stripping. Then, when Mike was back on top of Erwin, minus any fabric between them, he noticed Erwin's expression falter.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Um, yeah," Erwin frowned. "I just..." he blushed, "So what... now?"

Mike stared at Erwin, confused. Then it clicked. "Oh, shit. Are you... We don't have to do, uh, _that,_ if you don't want to, I mean, there's heaps of things we can do..." It never occurred to Mike that Erwin might actually be a virgin. He should have known. It was so _obvious._ Mike was the first person Erwin ever showed any proper interest in. Nile was their best friend, too, but he wasn't nearly as close as Erwin and Mike. 

"Shit, sorry, I..." Erwin shifted underneath him, glancing away.

"It's okay," Mike reassured him quickly, "Um, can I ask... have you ever been with anyone before?"

Erwin's cheeks flushed red, "I got with a girl once." Mike raised an eyebrow and Erwin quickly added, "We didn't go that far."

"Alright. That's fine." It was almost perfectly fine, Mike realised, knowing that he could use this to his advantage. What a privilege it would be, to command someone like Erwin? Their positions had switched and Mike was itching to test their relationship. 

"I still want to-"

"Touch me," Mike ordered.

Erwin was quick to comply, reaching out a tentative hand to Mike's crotch. He stroked Mike's shaft, from base to the head and rubbed the slit. Mike groaned. "Use your spit," he said through clenched teeth. Erwin nodded and spat on his palm before returning to his work on Mike's cock. "That's good," he breathed heavily and as his hips jerked forward he grazed Erwin's half-hard dick. On impulse, he wanted to give Erwin what he was receiving but decided against it. He didn't want to rush this. 

Hard, with his dick covered in hot spit, he took hold of Erwin's wrist and pushed it away. Erwin looked at him, quizzical, searching for a sign that he had been doing the right thing. "You're so good," he shut his eyes for a second, his cock already missing the attention. He collected his thoughts and got off Erwin so he was on his knees. He beckoned Erwin to come to him, "I want your mouth, Erwin."

For a second he thought Erwin would freak out, but he knew to never underestimate. Erwin crawled to Mike's cock and took him in the mouth, no lead-up or anything. Mike would have chuckled if he weren’t gasping in pleasure. Wanting to help, he put Erwin's hands to use. He guided a hand to hold the base of his cock and the other to stroke what couldn't fit in his mouth. He looked down and found Erwin staring back, flustered with his cheek full of dick. It was so fucking hot, and immediately Mike grabbed for a handful of Erwin's hair and jerked his head further onto his cock. Erwin was more resistant to that, pulling back just so the head of Mike's cock wasn't deep enough to hit the gag reflex. 

"Shit," Mike breathed. Erwin was becoming more confident, now, and his mouth moved to the head of Mike's leaking head. Erwin's tongue flicked out to his slit and he sucked harshly, pulling his mouth away with a loud _pop._ Mike looked down lovingly, almost giggling at Erwin's embarrassment to the noise. It didn't stop him from doing it again and again, each time Mike becoming closer and closer to his orgasm. Shit, he couldn't have that yet.

"Erwin," he cupped his face and pulled him away from his cock as much as it strained him. Erwin whined, jutting his head forward in a somewhat of a pathetic attempt to return to Mike's cock. Mike grinned, "Oi, patience." He pushed two fingers into Erwin's mouth, "Have this." He let Erwin's tongue glide over his tongue for a few minutes before taking them away again. Erwin watched him, clueless and lost. 

"Turn around."

Erwin frowned, "Huh?"

"And lie down on your stomach," Mike added as an afterthought. 

Erwin only nodded, silently turning around and flattening himself onto the mattress. In all honesty, he didn't want to fuck this up. He had to play this right.

Mike pressed his wet fingers against the inside of Erwin's thighs. Erwin shuddered and craned his neck, face flushed. "Mike?"

"Is this okay?" he asked, fingers edging up the thick skin. 

"Um."

Mike pulled away, "We don't have to do this now."

"No, it's- yes. It's fine," Erwin said, and with his full confidence, Mike sneaked his fingers back in until they pressed against a tight muscle. Erwin squirmed at the contact, burying his head into the pillow. It would have been easier with lube, too, but there was no luck finding that anywhere here. Instead, he massaged Erwin's ass with wet fingers, eliciting a series of muffled moans. Then, tentatively, he pressed a finger against his hole, gently testing, and then pushed inside of him.

Erwin's ass jerked upwards, " _Fuuck,_ " he bit the pillow, fisting the loose bed sheet underneath them. "This is so good, fucking _sh-shit-!_ " Mike pushed in another finger, opening him up and stretching out to his prostate. " _M-Mike,_ " Erwin choked and Mike was almost tempted to gag him. He was so fucking loud the whole goddamned camp was going to hear.

When he added a third finger, Erwin's pleasurable moans hitched, more pained and less enthusiastic. "Can you take it?"

"I'm good, I'm good," Erwin repeated, refusing to lift his head from the pillow. As Mike continued his work on Erwin's ass, he leaned down and pressed his lips into the dip of Erwin's back, comfortingly, letting Erwin know it was okay.

Finally, Mike pulled out, hoping it was enough. Erwin turned around at the sudden emptiness inside of him. "Turn on your back, Erwin," he spat on his palm and swiped up his shaft. 

"Will this hurt?" Erwin shifted onto his back, resting his elbows back so he was sitting up.

"Maybe a little," Mike said. "Tell me if you don't want it, okay?"

Erwin nodded, "Okay."

"Legs around me," Mike instructed, guiding Erwin's calves to hook around his back. He took a hold of Erwin's hips, his thumbs resting in the outlined 'v'. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

Carefully, Mike pushed himself into Erwin. Shit, it was so tight. "Relax, Erwin, _fuck,_ " he groaned, almost stopping. Erwin whined when he did though, so he fought the tension until he was filling Erwin completely. 

"Oh God, fucking _shit,_ " Erwin tried to hide his face but Mike swatted away his hands. He wanted to see Erwin's pleasure. Cautiously, he rolled his hips, getting accustomed to the tightness and trying to coax the tension out from the muscles. 

"How do you feel?" Mike asked, not daring to move yet. Shit, he was terrified of ripping Erwin's asshole into pieces.

Erwin exhaled deeply, "Better. It's so _much._ "

"Well. Thanks."

Erwin almost slapped him for that, and probably would have done if it weren't for their position. He shut his eyes tightly, breathed again, and Mike felt the strain slowly disappear. So, he moved his hips, dragging himself back out at an almost painstakingly slow pace and as Erwin whimpered he pushed himself all the way back in again. He repeated, the movement becoming more fluid each time. 

And more importantly, Erwin was enjoying it. He threw his head back, arching his back as Mike increased his thrusts. As Mike leaned up a little more, and Erwin shifted a little to the side, Mike hit his prostate. Erwin moaned, bringing his hand up to his mouth and biting on the side of his index finger. 

"I'm... I _need-_ " Erwin panted underneath him, desperate and writhing.

Mike grinned. "You can touch yourself if you want."

Erwin did just that, hands immediately going for his dick. He would let Erwin have his own fun now; in the mean time he wanted to continue setting a pace. It didn't stop him from thirstily admiring Erwin's flustered thrusts up his own cock, precum dripping onto his hand and onto his exposed belly. He liked how it settled in the ridges of Erwin's abs, the milky white substance highlighting the taut muscle that flexed every time Mike hit his prostate.

For a while, it remained mostly the same, Mike only varying his thrusts on the odd occasion, balancing out his fast ones with a few painfully slow ones and enjoying the contorted look of desire written on Erwin's red face. Then, Mike decided to completely take over. He batted Erwin's hands away and held them above his head, holding Erwin's wrists with one hand while his other ghosted Erwin's chest. Erwin shuddered, "Shit, Mike," he shut his eyes.

Mike pinched Erwin's right nipple. Then, adjusting his hips, he leaned down and his teeth grazed against the hard skin and he nipped it. He brought his other hand down from Erwin's wrist to his crotch instead and stroked his leaking cock with the tips of his fingers, long and teasing, then rubbing his frenulum with the gentlest of touches. " _Fuck,_ " Erwin swore, "This is - _shit_ \- this is, _amazing._ Mike, you're-" Whatever Erwin was going to say was lost in his own desperate moans. 

Continuing, Mike bit both of Erwin's nipples and simultaneously worked on his ass and dick, then Erwin started to fall apart. 

"Shit, I'm gonna- _M-Mike..._ "

"Come for me, Erwin," Mike purred, encouraging him.

Erwin whined, his face contorting in pained pleasure. He gasped, inhaling and exhaling heavily like he was running out of air, and then his muscles tightened. " _Ooohhh shit,_ " he groaned, salty semen spurting into Mike's hand. Mike milked out the rest of his orgasm, rolling his hips to an eventual halt. He pulled out gently and brought his hand to his own cock.

"Didn't you...?"

"It's fine," Mike grunted, jerking himself off. 

Erwin blushed, stretching his head back. He was boneless, legs dropping off Mike's torso outwards so he was displayed for Mike to see. It didn't take long for Mike to finish and his hand was dripping with a mix of his and Erwin's cum at the end of it. He dropped and lay down beside Erwin, recovering.

"That was... something."

"Can you imagine it gets better?" Mike teased, smiling lazily at Erwin through half-lidded eyes.

Erwin hummed, "I don't want to just imagine."

"Someone's being assumptive."

"Piss off," Erwin chuckled. His eyes fluttered, tired and warm. "I won't be walking for a week, anyway."

Mike felt strangely egotistical at that and he grinned. "It seems you just can't handle my cock. Guess this is it for you."

"That's not what I meant!" Erwin squeaked, leaning over and flicking Mike's cheek. Mike laughed, instead nuzzling against Erwin's neck. He shut his eyes, feeling like sleep. He was lost in Erwin's honey scent and the bliss flooded across him, a sheet of love and trust and protection all mixed into one. 

_**f. routine and repeat**_

**0530 hours:** Wake up call and perform personal morning tasks.

 **0600 hours:** Line up in company area, perform morning physical training (calisthenics and running).

 **0700 hours:** Breakfast.

 **0730 hours:** Training. Begin the day's scheduled training exercises.

 **1300 hours:** Lunch.

 **1330 hours:** Continue the day's scheduled training exercises.

 **1800 hours:** Dinner.

 **1830 hours:** Drill sergeant time. Time for drill sergeants to talk to the recruits about any subject they may think requires attention. Mail call is also performed during this time.

 **1900 hours:** Personal time. Time for recruits to engage in personal activities and relax.

 **2200 hours:** Lights out.

It was the same every day. Fridays were a blessing when the recruits were dismissed early. While Erwin, Nile and Mike had all used to go to The Three Ladies together, it became the new routine for Erwin and Mike to leave after only an hour, or sometimes not go at all. It was the only time where they had any proper free time and Erwin never wanted to skip out on training. Even if Mike had broken down the walls, Erwin still wasn't fond of letting anyone distract him from his training.

Despite that, the sex was still good and Mike couldn't complain. It was better than the latter. It was better than Erwin folding into himself and refusing for anyone to cross the barriers. They did have a good relationship. They were still friends. Erwin still talked about the integrity of the Survey Corps and his dreams of saving humanity. Mike still agreed with him and kept him out of trouble. They still sat next to each other in the mess hall and listened to Nile's ramblings about Mary (they were finally dating, thank fucking Christ). 

Of course, it was still different. They were going to graduate in three months. Erwin was a little taller, had more bulk. Mike cut off most of his hair - now it was an undercut like Erwin and Nile's, but he kept the long bangs. He was growing a beard, too, and on his skin the faintest of 3DMG scars were beginning to appear. Nile had started smoking and his skin was beginning to sag, and he was no longer joining the Survey Corps. Erwin didn't seem surprised when he finally told the both of them.

It was the way of things. People changed.

One time, on a lazy Thursday night in their recreational time, Mike found Erwin hunched over a desk scribbling onto paper. He asked what he was doing.

"I'm writing to my mother."

It occurred to Mike then that Erwin had never really talked about his personal life. Like everyone else, all Mike knew was that Erwin was from Stohess inside of Sina. 

"What about?" 

Erwin shrugged, "Training. Plans for the future."

Mike watched Erwin write for a while, not paying attention to the words but to the formal script, elegantly drawn across the page. 

"What are your parents like?" 

Erwin put down his pen and started blotting the ink. "I suppose I would describe my mother as all levels of sweet and caring who often bites more than she can chew."

"Your father?"

"He's dead," Erwin deadpanned, blowing air onto the paper. "Why do you care suddenly?"

Mike frowned. "Well, I... guess I was curious. I'm sorry." He wondered how Erwin felt every time Hoch patronised him about having a rich mother and father, because never did Erwin correct someone when they assumed he still had both of his parents. 

"It's fine." Erwin folded the letter into an envelope, and they never spoke about Erwin's personal life again. 

Back to routine, routine, routine. Early mornings and harsh exercises in the frosty air before the sun was even up. Torturous simulators and cruel tests. Strategies and tactics to be studied and memorised. Their last few months hurt most because they were ranking them, too. In all brutal honesty, Mike just wanted to get out of there and finally join the Survey Corps.

Friday nights were private kisses and rough sex. It was the only time Erwin ever let his guard down. Still, it was another routine that had been tacked onto the schedule. They never had any other time. It was okay, because Erwin would give him his full attention. He was passionate with his fucking and whispered things in Mike's ear that made him feel as wobbly as an awkward fourteen-year-old again. 

But all things must come to an end no matter how well rehearsed the routine.

They graduated with almost top scores. Mike placed first followed by Erwin with a close second. It was arbitrary, of course - everyone knew Erwin was the one with the brains and military intelligence was valued highly these days. Nile, placing fifth, told them he decided on joining the Military Police. After their ceremony, he disappeared from the celebrations to seek out Mary at the tavern and asked for her hand in marriage. 

Most of them who placed within the top ten were joining the Military Police (who wouldn't, with the promise of a luxurious life?). Still, the graduated soldiers all shook hands and congratulated one another, wishing each other good fortune on their own expeditions in the future. 

"I need to get out of here," Erwin told Mike in a hushed tone. 

"Where to?" Mike frowned.

Erwin shrugged and walked off, Mike following suit. They were walking for a long time, almost an hour. They certainly had gone off camp, roaming the narrow, cobble-stoned streets of the nearby town lit only by the gas streetlights illuminating the shadowy roads. They stopped at nowhere in particular, Erwin simply sitting down on the edge of the gutter staring forward. Something was on his mind. Mike sniffed the air, detecting Erwin's sweat. Was he worried?

"Are you okay?" he asked, sitting down beside him.

A frog croaked. A cat mewed. Somewhere, a rat was scurrying for food.

"I want to defeat the Titans, Mike."

"I know. So do I."

"I _have_ to. My life is dedicated to doing exactly that. But if I want to do that, I can't afford distractions anymore."

"Distractions," Mike repeated. 

Erwin glanced to him, "Everyone is a distraction by nature."

 _Distraction._ Such a stupid word, and yet there it was, hanging in the air like venom on his tongue. He spat the word out again, " _Distraction?_ It that what you see of me?"

"No," Erwin's voice was controlled, soft. This was Erwin pulling back; this was closing up and turning away. Mike stared at him with bewilderment, trying to fathom why Erwin would do this to him. It was going so well. They were _happy,_ and suddenly Mike was reduced to nothing more than a _distraction._

"What the fuck are you trying to say?" 

"You know what I'm saying," Erwin said patiently. "After this, we'll be in the Survey Corps. We are going to go outside the walls and we will be exposed to death and cruelty and desperation. In what kind of world does one make the time to maintain a relationship with that terror in their life?"

Mike didn't have an answer. 

"Do you understand?"

Of course he understood. It was logical and right and Mike hated that Erwin saw everything that way. He didn't want to think about the consequences. He wanted to pretend he could live his idealistic life without the quarrels of reality crushing him into a million pieces. "I'm still staying by your side, no matter what," he said. 

"As my comrade."

And that was that. The line had been drawn and Mike was no longer permitted to cross it. The three years that had passed felt like some sort of farce; years spent learning and understanding a person just to realise they were never there for you in the first place. In that moment, Mike couldn't tell if Erwin had ever told the truth and wondered how much he had kept from him, and it scared him. He was dealing with someone who always knew more and saw more - someone who knew how to manipulate people by lying to their faces without even batting an eyelid. How much of their relationship had been a lie, too? Mike always thought he was above Erwin's tactics, but right now he was just another pawn in humanity's chessboard.

Erwin seemed to know what he was thinking - shit, he always fucking knew - and searched for Mike's hand, taking it gingerly in his and entwining their fingers. Mike wished he were comforted by it.

"What if I told you I knew things about the Titans that not even the Survey Corps did?" Erwin whispered, stroking his hair out of his face. 

"Do you?"

"Yes."

Mike blinked, "And what do you know?"

"I can't tell you," Erwin murmured. "I can never afford to be reckless again. But when I do uncover the mysteries that have plagued me, I'll tell you everything. I promise. What we have is very real, and if we keep this then the both of us would be emotionally compromised."

It hurt. It really fucking hurt, knowing he was never going to touch Erwin again. Not even a comforting kiss after a stressful day or holding Erwin in his arms. He was never going to have that again and if he was angry at knowing that fact, it was because he was being selfish. So he had to accept it and take whatever it was they had for what it was. He couldn't touch Erwin but he could keep his scent. He could keep him safe outside the walls. He could protect him from danger.

It was the least he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> this was a fucking monster to write and i never want to think about it again. i didn't bother editing properly because it was too long for me to handle. whats this one chapter bs.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this giant piece of shit. i had extra notes to add on the end but death of the author and i dont care.


End file.
